


The Avengers and One Red Dress

by completelyhopeless



Series: Operation Red Dress [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Community: comment_fic, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-27 23:45:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2711120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyhopeless/pseuds/completelyhopeless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson loans May to the Avengers. She wore red. They all kind of saw it coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers and One Red Dress

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scribblemyname](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblemyname/gifts).



> This is the other part of a fill for [the request](http://comment-fic.livejournal.com/578041.html?thread=80793337#t80793337) for the prompt: _[Avengers, movie verse, Clint, Natasha Trying to win the snarkfest even when taken prisoner, in the hospital, knee deep in enemies, while the rest of the team just rolls their eyes at them.](http://comment-fic.livejournal.com/348394.html?thread=61365994#t61365994)_
> 
> Okay, so I think I covered all of that except... It's just EMTs, no hospital, and the team doesn't do eye rolls. 
> 
> Otherwise, I believe this has it all. I hope.

* * *

“Stark is trying to outsnark us,” Barton said, nudging Romanoff with his elbow. “We have to do something about this.”

Romanoff shrugged. She always seemed to be disinterested in the contest when it was mentioned, but Phil knew she was very willing to participate in it when it was going. He just had to stop it from getting started.

“Not again, Barton. I swear, I come back for one more liaison with you and suddenly we're back in the equivalent of your high school? This is not happening,” Coulson said, shaking his head. Phil caught the looks the rest of the Avengers were giving him, all but Romanoff, who knew exactly what her partner was doing, and grimaced. “It's because you needed May to work this since all of you were on television and are easily identifiable now, isn't it?”

Romanoff shrugged. “I suppose we could have gotten another agent to play her role.”

“If there was any agents left that you thought you could trust, you mean,” Rogers said, his arms folded over his chest. “You are sure you trust this May, aren't you?”

“With my life,” Phil answered. “What I don't trust is Barton around May when she's wearing a red dress.”

“Oh, this is going to be good,” Barton said with a grin, and Phil had half a mind to run right back to the Bus and stay far away from the Avengers and all the trouble and death that came with them.

* * *

“I do not understand the concern. This May you speak of, she is a capable agent, yes? Yet you fret like an expectant father or perhaps a mother,” Thor said, and Coulson gave him a look. The Asgardian hadn't worked with the rest of the Avengers as much as any other member had, being busy back in his own world watching over the nine realms or whatever, so he wasn't used to the way things really were.

His hammer was a nice toy to have around, though.

“May is just a small part of it, and if we can get through this without it turning into the disaster that it was last time, we'll be... luckier than I ever have been in my life,” Coulson said, shaking his head.

Tony clapped the other man on the back. “Relax. All we need is someone to make the rats come running out of the building. That can't be that hard. You went for overkill with this one, calling in the Cavalry like that.”

“Don't call her that.”

“Sensitive much, Agent?”

“You can try and deny it, but I know you called me Phil when I was dead,” Coulson said, and Tony frowned slightly, wondering about a world where that was possible. Then again, just about everything since Afghanistan seemed impossible, so who was he to complain?

“So, Barton, what's this story about the red dress? That the whole Budapest thing?” Tony asked into his earpiece, getting impatient. He hadn't wanted to play this subtle, but he'd learned a few things about team work and planning since Loki. Not everything could be solved by building a better suit or brute force.

“Not Budapest,” Romanoff answered. “I would have thought you'd hacked that file by now.”

“He shouldn't have to. The files were leaked along with everything else from S.H.I.E.L.D. and H.Y.D.R.A.”

“I shouldn't have to remind you that the real story about Budapest is not in those files.”

“I shouldn't have to tell the Black Widow that you don't tell people that the real story isn't in the files,” Barton shot back. “Really, Tasha, thought you were better than that.”

Tony looked over at his fellow Avengers with a grin before turning to Coulson. “So this is what they're like on routine missions. This should be good, and I think it calls for popcorn.”

“Stark—”

“Sit back and enjoy the show,” Tony said as he had J.A.R.V.I.S. fix them up some popcorn. “I'm betting it's just starting to get good.”

* * *

Good was a matter of definition when someone decided to blow up the meeting place and trap everyone inside the collapse. Immediately afterward, there were four very angry superheroes digging through the wreckage, one of them very green, the rest with a bit of red, and it might have seemed festive under other circumstances.

The rescue was a success.

For everyone except the three they had gone in to find. The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were missing.

* * *

“I cannot believe I ever agreed to work with you two again.”

“Oh, come on, May,” Clint said. You know you missed us.”

“Like I missed poison oak.”

“Ouch,” Clint said. He would have put a hand over his heart if they weren't chained to the wall. “You wound me. Truly. Tosh, I'm starting to get the feeling that she really doesn't like us.”

“Is that all? I thought you'd be worried about her winning the snark war.”

“She is not,” Clint objected immediately. He knew she wasn't, because no one was allowed to win the snark war besides him, and even if Tony Stark _thought_ he could muscle in on it, he was wrong. This was between him and Natasha, and only one of them would ever emerge as the victor. Sometimes it was fun to let Coulson play, too, or May, because they upped the ante and made things interesting, but Stark wasn't allowed to play. The man cheated at everything.

“I have the red dress. That is an automatic win.”

“Not when you're competing with Natasha over who looks better in one,” Clint said, grinning as May let out a groan.

“You know you'll pay for this when you're free,” Natasha said. “And I'm not warning you about May. I'm speaking for myself.”

“Make sure you get me in the head. You know how I like that.”

“I don't know why Coulson never shot the two of you and put everyone out of their misery,” May muttered, but Clint heard something in her voice and had to grimace.

“Widow, the Cavalry got wounded. I don't remember that happening, but then again, we did have a building fall on us, so I think we get a bit of a pass, don't we?”

“I don't need a pass,” Natasha said, and he figured she was already half out of her handcuffs.

“All right. I'll just sit back and leave the rescue to you, then.”

* * *

Escaping from the prison of a secure compound was never simple. There was always plenty of guards in the way and leaving a trail of bodies got rather messy after a while. There were more men down on the ground than there were pieces of either Romanoff or May's dresses, and eventually the wound caught up with May, forcing the Cavalry to sit the rest of the fight out.

“What do you think? Five, ten minutes on Stark?” Clint asked. “Or will it take him longer to stop praising himself for how much of a genius he is and get here?”

“He could praise himself for being a genius while he's on his way here,” Natasha said, leaning around Clint to fire at two more of the goons. “You're hit, you know. There a particular reason you didn't notice that?”

“It's a flesh wound,” Clint said, and she rolled her eyes as she shifted back to cover the other side again. “What about you? That's not your hair dye running down the side of your face.”

“No, I'd have picked a better color.”

He laughed. The ceiling came down on the other side of the room and four superheroes jumped down the hole after it.

“You're late,” Clint and Natasha told them in unison.

* * *

“We don't need doctors. This is ridiculous.”

“Last time you said that, you passed out on my favorite rug,” Coulson said, ignoring the protests of both Barton and Romanoff as they tried to tell him they were fine. He shook his head, not wanting to hear a word of it. Flesh wounds or not, they could get looked at by at least one doctor.

“Better than the time they got drunk and Barton puked on it,” May said, holding an ice pack to her bad shoulder. Coulson pulled off his suit jacket and put it over her shoulders since no one had bothered to give her anything to cover the dress and Stark would be dead if he leered at her, though whether it was May or Pepper that handled that was up to debate.

“I was not drunk. You poisoned the punch,” Barton corrected, and the other Avengers exchanged looks. Thor was probably trying to understand this Midgardian custom, Rogers must be wondering how any of them became agents, Banner probably wished he was back in a remote part of the world, and Stark was still enjoying the show.

“I think you mean spiked,” Rogers began. “Even I know that term.”

“No, he means poisoned,” Romanoff said. “May was getting him back for—”

“Not discussing that,” Phil interrupted. “Come on, May. Let's get you back to the Bus. I'm never loaning you to the Avengers again.”

“You say that like you mean it, Phil, but I know you don't. You like it when May wears red dresses and kicks ass,” Barton said. His words were followed by a, “Ouch. Damn it, who taught you triage, Edward Scissorhands?”

Coulson could not wait to get back on the Bus.

* * *

“So... this snark war thing of yours...” Stark began, never knowing when to leave well enough alone. “That's not your way of flirting, is it?”

“You think that's going to make you win it, Stark?” Barton asked, shaking his head. “That's pathetic. I think Sitwell did better, don't you, Tosh?”

“Sadly, yes,” she agreed. Steve frowned as he watched her, knowing that he'd never understand what went on in that woman's mind. “We would have settled it years ago, I suppose, but every time Clint gets hit in the head, he forgets the score.”


End file.
